Want to know why I decided to start this blog? A little background on my beliefs and convictions about sex, why I should write about it, and why we should all read and talk about it a lot more.
When I tell people I’ve started a sex blog, some of them ask: “aren’t you worried about writing about that topic? What about employers and clients?”
Well, first: that’s why I use a pseudonym. I’ve written, under my byline, for a sex magazine before; it hasn’t scared away any clients that I know of. And if they are scared away? Well, they’re not the kind of client I want.
Second, sex is a really important part of my life, of my reality. I’ve started many blogs: book blogs and writing blogs and restaurant blogs and stuff. And I can never keep them up, because I’m not really interested in writing about these things more than a few times a year. Book reviews? Meh, I’d rather just start reading a new book. A blog about writing? There are so many of them, and I don’t really feel like writing about writing most of the time. I’d rather just write… if that makes sense. (Although I do sometimes write about writing. But not enough.) The things I like to write about? Myself. My experiences. How I’m growing and learning through them. And sex. Definitely sex. That’s pretty much all I write about in my journal.
I write about sex because we don’t talk about it enough. We see it plenty: in pornography and advertising and TV and magazines and movies. But do we really ever talk about it? About why it’s important, about why we do it, about pleasure and disappointment, about who we have it with, about what it means?
Why we should really talk about sex more
Our prudish North American culture would tell us that sex happens under very specific conditions:
- Monogamous relationships
- Romantic love
- Affairs (although the view of affair sex is mostly negative)
What if I want to have sex, but am not in a monogamous relationship or in romantic love, am not looking to reproduce, and am not having an affair? There is no obvious, positive model for sex in these conditions. And that’s a very sad thing.
At best, I would be labelled a “liberated woman”; at worst, a slut. But I am neither of those things. Simply: I’m human.
I think we should talk about sex more because sex is an inherent part of the human experience. In our teens, we’re obsessed with it; in adulthood, we develop a personal view of sexuality depending on our education, experiences and partners. Whether we actually do it or not (I want to acknowledge asexuality as a possibility, of course), we’re surrounded by it.
And what happens when we don’t talk about it? In my experience: deep frustrations, broken relationships, illusions and disappointments, assumptions that make asses of everyone, more risky behaviour, more broken hearts. I think that everyone should talk about sex at least once a week or something! If you don’t have a lover, talk about sex with a close friend. If you don’t have a close friend to talk about sex with, maybe an anonymous forum, Reddit, or a chatroom. Sometimes it’s easier to open up to strangers.
Why you should read about sex more
Of course, here’s my plea: you should read about sex more, too. You should read about the experiences of others. You should read about physiology and biology and psychology. You should try to know as much as you can about sex, if only to inform your own sexual life. You should try to know more about sex because you can have more pleasure, less disappointment, more clarity, more meaningful relationships.
You should know how you like your sex. You should learn how to listen to your partner(s) and give them better sex. You should discover new techniques and ideas and ways of relating to sex. You don’t have to agree with or try everything you read, but learning about what others feel, do and think is a good way to reflect on our own behaviours, emotions and thoughts.
So, I urge you to read more about sex: read more about sex here, of course, but elsewhere too. I like Kinkly’s no-nonsense approach to a varied sexuality that goes beyond missionary; I like Red Lipstick Project for its ability to break through the received bullshit we all have to wade through; The Redhead Bedhead is hilarious and so honest and truthful, we could all learn from her.
And that’s just the few that I’m aware of right now; I need to expand my own sex reading and start hooking up (hahaha) with other sex bloggers.
In any case, the message here is: never stop reading. Never stop getting information about sex and relationships. Never give up on becoming a better lover, a better partner, a better person.
Personally, I truly believe that if we spent more time improving our intimate relationships, we would become more compassionate, empathic and accepting of others and their differences.