Kinky relationships can begin or develop into sex, but there is a deeper meaning to it for some of us. Here’s my perspective.

kink without sex

When I began being interested in kink, I didn’t have the words for it.

This will age me a bit: my first contact with BDSM porn was on newsgroups. I liked alt.sex.bondage, and I was glad that I was the only one in the house who knew how to use newsgroups (almost got caught once… but I got out of it). Then I started doing a little cybersex at 12 or 13 (Hotel Chat, if you can believe it!) and realized where my fantasies lied: kidnapping and bondage, a little rape play… but mostly kidnapping.

(I’ve been having kidnapping fantasies since I was 7 years old.)

For me, kink has always been related to sex. It was part and parcel of my sexual exploration and pleasure. Fantasizing alone always involves some kind of bondage or restriction, and, more and more lately, pain.

When I officially entered the kink community in September of 2015, I thought I would encounter a bunch of people who played a lot and then had awesome sex all the time.

Well, there is certainly some of that, but there’s also a bunch of people who play without a sexual finale, people who don’t even link sex to their kinks.

I thought they were weird.

But then I realized that it happens all the time, and that it was an aspect of BDSM I’d never encountered before.

BDSM isn’t just about sex

At first, I thought it was. Given the amount of porn and kinky sex advice books and bloggers around, it’d be easy to believe, from an outsider point of view, that we’re just all a bunch of pervs having orgies with lots of whips and chains.

But there’s a lot of non-sexual stuff happening in BDSM relationships. My experience of it has been service to N and R.

At first, yeah, there was lots of sexual desire there. For her, for them. But as they’ve told me once, “we want to channel that desire in something deeper.” And that is the most interesting thing that has happened to me, kink-wise, in a very long time.

As the weeks go by and I explore what kink means to me and how much of it I want in my life, I realize that it’s not just all about sex. There’s a deeper yearning in me, something more essential and profound. Sure, sex is an easy way to access it, superficially. But it isn’t just about getting my rocks off anymore.

My kink is about exploring the core and the limits of my self, the edges of ego and id. It’s about seeing what lies beyond my scripts, my socialization, my opinions, my knowledge. It’s about reaching beyond intelligence, beyond thought, beyond judgement.

It’s about giving up all that I think I am/should be and exploring the limitless possibilities of the human condition. As a Zen Buddhist, it’s also for me a way to access dissolution from a different angle.

I crave this dissolution, this melting into the will and desires of something other than myself. Whether it’s through person—my Dominant—or the Universe, I want to lose my entire self and access something pure, something true, a moment of awakening.

And I realize now that even if kinky sex is a good way to begin searching and exploring for the limits of the self, it isn’t enough. At least for me. I need a strong mental component, deep trust, ability to let go… and a guide.

BDSM isn’t just about sex. It’s about our deep, dark, profound yearning as human beings to meld with the universe—either by exercising our will, or by surrendering to someone else’s.

After the sex… something else

Some kinksters are satisfied with the sex. That’s the “just in the bedroom” crowd, and that’s great. I’m all for kink for more pleasure—all the power to you!

But I’m looking for something more. Something spiritual. Connections with others and the Universe that only come from digging deeper, from continuing to search after the orgasm.

The orgasm isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning.

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