Questions of identity and kink aren’t always easy. They demand some self-knowledge and willingness to explore.

ask ani a question

Today’s question comes from Esmeralda, who asks:

How do you know internally that you are a submissive?

Well, Esmeralda, the answer to your question is both simple and complicated.

The simple answer: you just know.

The complicated answer: it depends.

I’ve written before about my kink journey. In hindsight, it seems pretty obvious. The signs were all there: I had kidnapping and rape fantasies, liked to imagine myself tied up, etc.

But I didn’t realize it was related to sex until a little bit into puberty. Porn had a great deal to do with it. I was naturally drawn to bondage and BDSM porn.

Now, here’s the thing: I didn’t know I was “submissive” until much, much later, when I developed the vocabulary to talk about my sexual desires. Again, porn had a big deal to do with it. My entire erotic map became based on the porn I’d watch.

So, before you call yourself a submissive, make you know what that word means for you. What examples of submissiveness are you using to define yourself, or compare yourself against?

Also, remember that there is no such thing as a “true” submissive. We’re all different people with different desires and different needs. The only kind of submissiveness that matters is yours, the way YOU imagine your submissiveness is like. Don’t let other people tell you what a sub should and shouldn’t do. Only you get to decide what you do and don’t do.

So, how do you know? Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you try things and figure out what you like and what you don’t like. Sometimes you think you’re a submissive because you enjoy BDSM porn. But none of these things defines your identity. Only you can do that.

Hope this helps, Esmeralda! Let me know if you have a follow-up question.

Good advice? Helpful information? Thank me with a coffee!