A reader wonders if they can make their boyfriend a little more open to experiment sexually.
While I was away on a trip back to Montréal, I received this question from a reader. (Slightly corrected for spelling and grammar.)
My boyfriend isn’t very experimental when it comes to sex. We’re in a long distance relationship and I am a very sexual person. I know if I ever want anything from him before we meet up again I’ll have to ask him myself because he’s not the type to ever initiate something like that. But my question goes deeper than getting nudes or getting him to come out of his shell. I also have a few kinks and things I’d really love to try but he would probably never be interested in them. A few of these kinks even started as jokes but when I thought about them it really turned me on. I don’t exactly want to say what because it does get very specific. Though I would love to watch him fuck a dragon fleshlight while I use a tentacle dildo over Skype or something. That’s nothing to the things I want to do though. I’m not into BDSM or anything like that but he wouldn’t even be able to talk dirty. I really love him and he turns me on so much but he’s just so timid and shy and non experimental. And I’m loud and kinky. What should I do? Never bring this up to him or possibly try something when he’s really drunk and see how he reacts or something?
Well, first, I wouldn’t recommend trying anything while he’s really drunk. He can’t fully consent to something if his faculties are weakened. So, no drunk kinking!
Now that this is out of the way, there are a few things I suggest you can do. First, read this article by Justin Lehmiller about a mismatch in sex drives for couples. It’s not exactly your problem, but it’s a good way to start thinking about it.
Is your boyfriend not experimental, or just shy? Maybe he wants to experiment but is afraid of expressing his desires. You say he doesn’t initiate but will experiment if you ask. Maybe you can start with that, asking? Your boyfriend can’t read your mind, no matter how much you joke or hint at things. I find it very beneficial, personally, to be direct about my desires and kinks. In my experience, unless it’s something that touches their limits, most partners are willing to try things that you ask for. He wants to make you happy!
Not having talked to your boyfriend, I can’t know whether his shyness is just due to that, shyness (which isn’t a bad thing in itself) or if it’s rooted in some deeper shame about sexuality. A lot of people in North America are told to be ashamed about their sexual desires, and that makes them build walls around their eroticism. There are tons of books written on the matter, but may I suggest Wendy Strgar’s Sex that Works. I’m currently having a giveaway for this book.
If it’s just shyness, you can encourage him to express his desires by doing an “I choose, you choose” sort of game. One time, you choose what happens in bed; the next time, he gets to decide. Don’t let him get away with “whatever you want” either! You can also encourage him to tell you what he likes. After a Skype or real-person session, ask him what he enjoyed about the encounter. It might make him more comfortable about expressing his desires.
The most important thing, though, is to not flood him with demands. I understand that you’re frustrated, but I also hear that you love him very much. Be willing to slow down your pace and give him time and space to get used to expressing his needs and desires. Read together about sexuality so that you can have a common language to discuss sex with each other. Reassure him that you love him no matter what, and that you’re really curious about him. Make him feel loved, validated, and listened to, and he might just open up to you, and be more open to your ideas as well.
Have a pressing sex, relationship or kink question? Send me a note!