Today we have a question about switchiness and feeling weird about our desires. The solution? Talk about it! But not just to anybody.

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Today we’re looking at Gury’s question (slightly modified for grammar and clarity):

Is it weird that I want to be dominated by a woman, but with a man I want to dominate him? I feel confused since I’m a virgin and I have never been in a relationship but this thought keeps appearing and I don’t know how talk to about them. I feel kind of sad and weird if I were to ask someone this in person.

No, that’s not weird at all. Many people have different desires depending on the gender of the other person. I prefer to be dominated by men, but with women, I’m a little more flexible and can be toppy. It’s really quite common.

You being a virgin has nothing to do with your desires being valid. I knew I was kinky years before I had intercourse for the first time. Anyway, virginity is a made-up concept that only serves to shame people.

Talking about your desires, however, is another matter. That’s always something that many people (not just kinky people) have trouble with. That’s because our culture does not encourage us to talk about them. We’re supposed to just… know, somehow, what we and our partners want, without talking. But that’s totally wrong. Communication is very important for sexual satisfaction.

Maybe you could try writing a journal about your thoughts and desires. Putting them into words, even just for yourself, can help you find the vocabulary to talk about these things once you have a partner. Or maybe you can show them the journal if you’re too shy. In any case, expressing them in a way that feels comfortable to you is a great first step.

As for feeling weird asking about it in person, well, it depends on who you’re asking, and what kind of relationship you have with them. I wouldn’t just blurt that stuff out to the barista at Starbucks, for sure. But once you have a sexual relationship with someone, it’s okay (and even preferable!) to tell them about how you feel and what you want. Now, you’re not in a relationship yet, so that might be difficult to imagine. I would stop obsessing over how people will feel about it and just try to live your life. One day you will find someone you click with, and talking about your desires will become easier the more you do it.

Hope this helps!

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